Avoiding Club Membership

Being human comes with a deep longing to belong to a group, to be heard, and to be loved.

Just a few months after Dave and I married, we went to a friend's summer party. It was in Virginia, in July, and it was HOT outside. So much so, that many of the group meandered inside. Since it was a BBQ, most of the men stayed outside to tend to the meat. Dave and I were recently married, and these were my friends not his, so we stuck together. We went into the nice cool air conditioned living room and sat down next to a group of women. They were mid conversation and the fact that Dave and I appeared didn't slow them down. In fact, it gave them ammunition.

You see, they were part of what I have come to see as a club. When a group of women get together, they can sometimes turn the conversation into a discussion of the faults the men in their lives possess. An innocent comment can kick it off. Sometimes the discussion can turn mean spirited, and often I wonder how the men in their lives would feel if they heard a recording of the conversation later. At this time, the women were in full form and as soon as they heard we were newlyweds they launched into telling me all the faults I would discover in Dave as the honeymoon stage wore off. And remember, Dave was sitting right there, beside me. I left that party learning a very good lesson - my need to belong and to be heard is secondary to my need to be loved (and trusted) by my husband.

Since that time I have been in many situations (girls nights, Relief Society (church), etc.) where the women turn to conversations putting down men and it makes my heart hurt. I often find myself defending men in general, and highlighting Dave's positive qualities, which he sometimes finds embarrassing. But I just can't join the Club.

I am not perfect, and I don't always say the right thing. I get frustrated and tired and completely worn down. And I might share those conversations in private moments with a loved friend or family member. Or I might listen to someone else in that situation. But the intent is to build up and move on, to end on positive notes, find ways to make things better.

So, I invite you to join me in avoiding club memberships that are negative. There is enough of that in the world without any help from us.