Almost 6 years ago Dave and I became parents. And in around 6 weeks we will be come parents for the third time. There are days when we think to ourselves that we are pretty good parents, and other days when we wonder how we or our children have survived. I am well aware that as much as we try, we never really "figure out" parenthood. Each child is different, we change over time, and different days bring different temperaments and situations to all of us. We have a handful of things that we have learned from our first 6 years in Parenting 101.1 - Discipline and teaching rules/obedience starts almost immediately. I remember thinking to myself when Hilde was around one and she started acting out - now I need to think of how to discipline her. That seems so odd to me now, but actually disciplining bad behavior hasn't gotten any easier. As parents, we constantly set expectations and limits. As babies it is more for safety, but you are still teaching.
2- Teach consequences. It is so important to point out to our kids that their choices have consequences, just like our choices have consequences. So we often remind the kids that when they decided to not listen, they decided not to have or do something else that they wanted.
3 - Spend much more time praising than criticizing. There have been several times when I have observed Dave being a brilliant parent and teaching me to be one too. One of the best examples I have of this is when Hilde was about 2 and not listening. I had lost patience and was ready to yell at her. Before I got a chance, Dave started telling her how proud he is of her when she listens and how happy that makes him and asking her to listen now. Do you know, that completely changed Hilde and my experience that afternoon? She was (and still is) so eager to please, that those words of praise completely changed her behavior. She wanted to make us proud of her, and Enoch is very much the same way. We find that when we spend more time praising, the kids are better behaved and we are in better moods as well. I don't know how directly this will translate to teenage years, but I hope it will help build self esteem at least.
4 - Speak at eye level. Whenever teaching or disciplining the kids we get at their level and ask them to look at us. If they aren't looking, we wait until they do. That way we know they hear us and they know they have all of our attention.
5 - Got it? This is another thing Dave taught us all. When teaching or disciplining the kids we always say at the end of it, got it? And don't let them leave until they say it. The point being, we are not giving them a chance to agree or disagree, we just want to make sure they understand what we are trying to teach them or why they were in trouble. When Got it? isn't enough, we make them tell us in their own words what we said to make sure they really did understand.
6 - Don't make any threats you don't intend to keep. If you name a punishment, it has to be a realistic one. And you absolutely have to keep any threat you make. If you don't, you just taught your kid exactly the opposite of what you meant to. This goes back to having consequences for your choices, if you do not keep your threats, then there are no consequences. I really hate this one, because often enforcing a consequence is as hard on me as on the kid, but it is absolutely necessary.
7 - Stick to the rules, and don't make arbitrary rules. I had a co-worker once that told me she had no rules at her house and that her son, then just starting Kindergarten was having a really hard time with rules at school. He was climbing up on tables and jumping off, taking other kid's things, etc.. She mostly thought it was funny. I wanted to shake her, because maybe she doesn't see that as a problem at age 5, but wait until her son is 15 and wants to drink and drive and do drugs, etc. Why wouldn't he? He has never had to live with rules, good and bad or consequences. One rule at our house is that you do not get what you want by whining, crying or complaining about it. You have to ask nicely. If you don't ask nicely, you do not get what you want. But don't make up rules just to have rules, you'll end up breaking them and that lessens the impact of any other rules you may have.
8 - Don't give up. You don't have a choice, parenting isn't going away. But you can ask for help. From a spouse, friends, neighbors, etc. My parents taught me that the most important person in your home is your spouse and that your kids come after that. I am very grateful for that lesson. I count my blessings everyday that I have a spouse I can count on. Being a mother has given me some gifts and insights, but it doesn't make me a perfect parent. It doesn't make me know the best way to raise our kids. It doesn't make me full of limitless patience or parental intelligence. Being a Father gives Dave different gifts and insights, just as invaluable to our kids. He thinks of great ways to teach and parent our kids, and I am eternally grateful for that. Together we are much better than either of us are separately.
What are some parenting tips that work for you? How has your parenting style changed with different kids or as your kids got older? How is your parenting different than your parents?
5 comments:
Thanks for that post. I think that we all have our styles, and I have certainly learned a lot from watching Damien as well. Two things that come immediately to mind are:
1) Spending time with the kids and walking them through steps while working with them will usually stop a meltdown. A lot of Katie's acting out is just her wanting us to not worry about the chores and just spend time with her.
2) Children listen better when you are calm. I often start being cross and Katie will never listen, but Damien comes in with a calm voice and immediately Katie listens. Just the tone of our voice makes a huge difference.
Definitely to have a sense of humor! If they eat a little Desitin, it probably won't hurt them too much in the long run!
A ggod test of how you are doing is to send your child to someone else's house for a week. Hilde did great- clearing off her place after meals, asking to help with chores, getting herself ready for bed, and being cooperative in a group setting. She was a happy, confident, creative and fun kiddo to have around and we sure do miss her and Dave.
I LOVED this entry. This is just what I needed to read today. It seems that this past week, we've been having challenges with melt-downs, not listening, etc. So thanks for the tips. It's always nice to learn new things and be reminded when I get lazy as a parent. Thanks so much! I really like the saying "got it?" at the end.
I did want to share something else I see in our kids' families that works. Instead of "us" against "them", I see kids cooperating when they hear that in our family we try to-----. That seems to help them feel part of something and more willing to help out or give up their wants for the moment. As they get to be teenagers, it will make a big difference for them to know that in our family we don't------. Expectations really work, especially when verbalized often and with a lot of love.
Post a Comment